


i'm all eyes for the coldest star

by michaels



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer, 5SOS
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-20 23:18:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1529420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/michaels/pseuds/michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>luke hemmings is coming close to the edge, literally. ashton just wants to stop him before he topples over.</p><p>or</p><p>AU-kind of, not really. 5 seconds of summer are a 'kind of' band who just makes covers, so far. their dream is to travel the world, but it's crushed when ashton irwin finds his fellow band mate dead on his bathroom floor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm all eyes for the coldest star

**Author's Note:**

> helloo! im just rewriting one of my old poorly-written one shots, this could be triggering so please don't read if you have problems with depression/self harm/anorexia/etc, etc.

Ashton had a distinct feeling in his gut that something was wrong with the entirety of the band, or something was going to go wrong in the near future. He hopes to God nothing bad would happen, because they all had plans on making a band and touring the world because how cool would that be? Leaving Australia and going to places like Europe, and Asia, and even America!

It brings a smile to his face with the thought alone. He feels obligated to watch over Michael, Calum, and Luke even though the age difference is not much. Ashton is seventeen, Michael and Calum were sixteen, and Luke was fifteen. Two years wasn't much, but it seemed like a whole different generation at this point.

Right now the four best lads were sitting in a Hipter-ish coffee shop, and Ashton would never, ever want to be caught here by somebody to school. Being categorized as a indie, or even a hipster makes him feel kind of uneasy. They had handmade coasters, for God's sake.

Michael is sitting to the right of Ashton, across from Calum, who was scrolling through his phone with a big smirk on his face.

“What's up with you?” Ashton asks, sliding his arm on the table to tap Calum's forearm.

“Our cover of I Miss You has two hundred views!” Calum is ecstatic, literally. Ashton rolls his eyes because he's not even in that video, because he's kind of new. They're at a point where they think they're a band, but they only do lame covers of their favorite songs.

“It's probably just you refreshing the page, Calum.” Michael chimes in with a monotone voice and takes a sip of his coffee. This was usual, though. He balanced out their chipperness.

What wasn't usual was Luke, seated in the seat straight across from Ashton, being weirdly quiet. Like, quieter than usual. Normally, he would throw out ideas for covers and original songs, and even band names. They've got something something of Summer, the first two words undecided.

“You okay?” Ashton blurts out, putting Luke unexpectedly on the spot. He looks up from his bony hands and nods, his sapphire eyes looking dull. They usually were a clear, ocean blue, but lately not so much.

“Yeah, yeah. 'm just kind of...tired?” Luke replies, the purple bags underneath his eyes seeming incredibly evident against his pasty skin.

Ashton has a feeling it's more than that, but he doesn't want to interrogate him in front of his insensitive, oblivious band mates. “Okay,” Ashton breathes, sliding the chair from underneath him. “Let's go, then.”

Michael and Calum protest, so they decide they'll stay here, and Luke and Ashton will go back to Ashton's, because Luke's house is too noisy and he'll never get any proper sleep. They walk back silently, Luke's shoulders are sulking in the large jacket that engulfs him.

They make their way to Ashton's house without even discussing the fact that they were going to Ashton's place. Ashton kind-of has an idea with what goes on in Luke's home, but he hasn't brought it up in some time.

“Get some sleep, Luke.” Ashton whispers, pulling back the covers to his twin sized bed down so Luke could climb in. He does slowly, scooting to the edge of the bed, facing the wall. He's thinking, Ashton can tell. Maybe it's the shift in the atmosphere, or maybe Ashton can physically feel his thoughts.

Luke wishes it was that fucking easy, really. He wishes he didn't have to spend two hours trying to fall asleep at night because of his “parents” fighting. His bed feels vacant, with the absence of his dog, who made things a little bit easier.

“Ash,” Luke calls out softly, hoping he was near so he wouldn't expose his dreadful, dead face to Ashton's beautiful, sunny one. Ashton looks behind his shoulder, he's at the foot of the bed, thinking, too. Thinking about how much it sucks not have the courage to ask Luke what's wrong, and tell him that he's here, but not really. “Can you, uh, sleep with me? Your beds really empty.”

It's nothing but sheets and pillows, no body heat bothered Luke, because he was needy, and that's it, really. Ashton shifts his weight to his legs and stands to his feet, stretching loudly. “Yeah, of course, Luke-y.” That reassures Luke so much that somebody’s here, physically here.

Ashton climbs into bed beside Luke, and it's probably the most ridiuclous thing to look down on. He hopes Michael and Calum crash at Michael's place, because Michael's parents are never in town anyways. Luke is almost six feet tall, and Ashton's already there. His feet slightly dangled off the foot of the bed, so he tucks them into the back of Luke's knees.

“Could you hold me?” Luke needs it, he just feels so lonely and he needs to know if Ashton's here for him, because maybe (just maybe,) he'll be the person to give Luke a reason to be here. “It's just so cold in your room..” Ashton's sheets were thin, but he never usually slept at home anyways. He smiles, and if Luke could see it, he would smile, too. Those are the most words Luke had said in the past weeks.

(Luke had said twenty three words and Ashton replied with eleven. Which was unusual.) Ashton tucks one of his arms underneath Luke's head and the other is wrapped effortlessly around his petite waist, Ashton's never noticed, but Luke is really skinny. He doesn't ask, it would just ruin the moment. Ashton's loopy curls are tickling Luke's temple, which makes him grin. That was better than nothing, and Ashton just wishes he could see it.

Ashton can feel his heartbeat and it's rhythm, and it's abnormal, but his is, too. Luke honestly feels like his Mum's boyfriends words can't get him here, but it's still there, lingering in the back of his mind.

He doesn't get any sleep, not much, really.

*

Luke wakes up and Ashton has Maccas breakfast, which was Luke's favorite. An egg McMuffin with iced coffee. Luke smiles, but shakes his head no.

“You gotta, Luke.” Ashton sits Indian style across from him, pushing the bag towards him. “When's the last time you ate?” Ashton doesn't recall him eating at the coffee shop, or the pizza place the night before.

Luke just sits there, his cheeks growing red, knowing this question would come one day. He's just not prepared a proper lie for it, Luke was shit at lying and the whole 'band' knew it.

He doesn't know what to say, he's torn because Ashton's trustworthy and he knows he can trust him. Luke swallows slowly and rubs the corners of his eyes with his fist, sleepily yawning. Pretending not to hear him due to sleep deprivation should do the trick, hopefully.

“When was it, Luke?” Shit. Ashton's set on knowing, his eyes full of concern. Luke almost hates that Ashton cares so much, but he's not sure what he'd do without him being there.

“Three days, maybe. I don't fucking keep track, Ash.” That hits Ashton like a bullet in his chest, his whole body has a weird tingling sensation that makes him want to throw up all the food he's ever ate because if Luke didn't eat he didn't deserve it either.

“Eat it, Luke.” Ashton says in a monotone voice, his eyes are keen on Luke's scrawny limbs and prominent cheekbones. He doesn't ask why, he doesn't want to know the answer. Ashton doesn't know how to deal with somebody who doesn't want to eat, so he says something horrible.

“Eat it right now or I'm done with you, Luke. I can't help you if you can't help yourself.” Ashton's voice has never been so serious, he unwraps the sandwich and sets it beside Luke, staring at him with daggers. “I mean it, Lucas. I'll leave you all alone. Don't make me do that. You know I dont want to do that.” His voice lowers to a hushed whisper, and his eyes fill with seriousness and fear.

Luke nearly shoves the entirety of it down his throat in one bite and he's subtly crying. The thought of losing Ashton literally broke him. He wipes the tears away roughly with his wrist and hiccups, his stomach feeling uneasy.

“I'm sorry,” Ashton didn't know how dependent Luke was on him, even though he wont say it out loud. “You hafta eat, Luke-y.. There's hardly anything to you, I don't want you to starve.” Ashton takes a spot on his bed next to Luke, who was silently sobbing into his hands. Ashton didn't know what to do, Michael, Calum, and himself are always smiling.

Ashton wraps his strong arms around Luke's small frame and holds him close. “I just love you so much, I don't want to lose you, okay? I'm so sorry.” He rests his chin on Luke's head which was hanging. He was staring down at his fingers, with a disappointed look in his face.

He's disgusted with himself, honestly. Why'd he do that? Ashton's going to leave him soon, anyways. They all leave eventually.

He pushes Ashton off of him, trips over his own feet, and stumbles to the bathroom. He literally falls to his knees and all of the sandwich he's just consumed was now in the toilet, along with stomach acid. Luke's not sure his disgust in himself or the fact he's not used to eating.

“I'm sorry.” Luke croaks and wipes the wetness of his lips away with his sleeve. “Please don't go, I didn't mean it, I swear.”

“I didn't mean that, Luke-y.. I'd never leave, I'm right here.” He shushes Luke's sobs when he walks over slowly and rests his head against the porcelain sink. “We'll take this slow, okay? Baby steps, I swear. It'll be okay.” Ashton hums into Luke's ear and Luke nuzzles himself into Ashton's neck. Luke's not sure why Ashton would be holding somebody like him this close, but he doesn't ask. He's not sure he wants to know the answer.

“Okay,” Luke whispers, the tears on his cheeks running dry.

“I promise.”

Ashton swears on his life he'll always be there when Luke is down. But Luke is down, _a lot._

*

 

The next day and the next next days are okay. Luke's not sure if it's because he's spent every single second with Ashton, or that finally his Mom's boyfriend wasn't in his life anymore. Not because she's dumped him, but because he hasn't seen him. He doesn't think much about his Mum's doing because it's all about him getting better now.

Luke's not too sure Ashton's ever sad. His hazel-ish eyes always have a beautiful tint to them and his laugh is louder and louder each day.

"I'm serious, Ash. Are you on happy meds, or something? Everybodys got their down days." Ashton's smile falters and he thinks about Luke's down days and it instantly makes him sad.  

Luke chuckles, making Ashton's smile instantly comes back like a chain reaction. 

Truth was, Ashton wasn't okay much either. He's just got so much on his mind at the moment. (Finals, the band, keeping Luke happy was defiantly his main priority.) 

It's kind of,(or really, really) cliche, but Ashton Irwin's really close to making Luke okay again. He's got to go home sometime, though. 

 

The first couple of weeks, months even, Ashton's there. Luke's okay, better, that is. He spends nearly every night at Ashton's and Ashton holds him tight until Luke doesn't fucking hate himself anymore. His parents still fight, but his bruises are yellowing and that means things are getting better. Ashton will protect Luke until his heart stops beating and that really makes Luke feel secure, safe even.

It's a Friday afternoon, Luke and Ashton skipped band practice (and school) because Luke wasn't feeling up to it. (If that wasn't true friendship, Luke doesn't know what was.) (If this was what you'd call a friendship, Ashton can't tell anymore. He thinks Luke just likes him when he's sad, which is the majority of the time. They've kissed once, or twice, or a handful of times. It just feels too normal for Luke to think anything more of it.)

“You know when my parents mind is set on something, I can't change it. 'm sorry, Luke.” Luke isn't going to sleep for the next week, or eat, or even go to school.

“You're leaving me for a week, Ash?” I thought you'd never fucking leave me, Ashton? What the fuck happened to that?

“It's not my choice, I swear, Luke.. I'd stay with you forever, if I could. My mum wants to visit her grandma, 'cause they say she doesn't have much time left.” Luke's fucking selfish, he doesn't care about Ashton's fucking grandmother. He cares about the promises Ashton has made to never leave him.

“Just a week, Luke. Michael and Calum are here, you can spend the night at Mike's.”

“He wont hold me like you do.” Luke protests, fisting Ashton's bedsheets.

“I'll text you every morning and FaceTime you during lunch, ditch with Michael if you're not feeling well. He's going to drop out anyways soon.” Ashton wraps his arm around Luke's somewhat thicker frame and holds him close, close enough to almost make up for a week without each other.

“It's not the same,” Luke cries out and hiccups into Ashton's tshirt. Ashton knows that, and he hopes Luke will be okay throughout that week. He's texted Michael and Calum to keep an eye on him, but he knows they're irresponsible. He doesn't count on it one bit.

Ashton presses a gentle kiss to Luke's quivering lips and whispers that it'll be okay, he fucking swears give him a week and he'll be back and ready to step this friendship up a notch and hopefully that'll keep Luke hanging on. He's ridiculously cradled into Ashton's arms, even though he was nearly six feet tall.

“I love you,” Ashton whispers into his hair and smiles. “So fucking much, you know that? I can't imagine being without you. Please, just a week, Luke. Seven days, you can do it. You can stay here, if you want. I'll tell my mom you're watching the plants.” Ashton chuckles behind tears because a week is a long time when you've spent everyday with somebody.

Silence is supposed to be relaxing, peaceful. But this constant silence is tearing Ashton to pieces. It hurts and it's painful and Ashton's crying, but he doesn't let Luke see, because he'll cry too. Ashton is strong and seeing him cry would make everything hopeless and meaningless.

*

Luke wakes up because the bed is half empty and he's grown cold. Ashton is gone, with just the faint smell of wood and vanilla lingering. The blanket falls off his bare torso and he's left with a note. It's folded into four halves and Ashton's messy writing is scrawled across the top.

Luke,  
I didn't want to wake you, because I know how hard it is for you to fall asleep. I'll be back in a week! Seven days. One hundred sixty eight hours, is all. You can do it! I know you can, and I know you're better than to do anything to yourself without me there. When you read this, text me. Michael is coming over to pick you up at around two-ish, he's taking you to Nandos and you're going to eat everything on the menu. Okay? Facetime me if you can't sleep, because I'll be on a plane almost the whole day. Hang in there, for me. I love you!!  
Ashton.

Luke stares blankly at the page, because something inside of him made him convinced that Ashton was just joking. He slowly tilts his head to the right and sees the big red letters of the clock that read 1:28. Michael would be here in thirty two minutes and he was now crying, wrapped up in Ashton's sheets that smelt of them combined.

Luke sluggishly crawls out of the twin sized bed that seemed way too big to get off of. He feels wrong taking a shower alone, because Ashton would be in there sometimes and he'd shampoo Luke's hair slowly and massage his scalp and make him feel okay again.

Michael arrives at 2:08 and Luke exhales heavily because Ashton is never late, ever. He's wearing his usual smile, and Luke attempts at returning the gesture, but it fails miserably. Michael makes sure he eats something, at least a side of fries.

Luke texts Ashton over and over again.

**Ashton <3**

_hey 1:16_   
_are you still on the plane? 1:32_   
_I guess you are, I miss you 1:50_   
_im kind of lonely right now, mike's trying to comfort me but he's not as good as you 2:31_   
_I misss yoooouuuu, get off the plane already. 7:48_   
_im such a clingy boyfriend, im so sorry. 8:01_   
_wait im sorry we're just friends right im sorry 8:03_   
_sorry 8:09_   
_im at my house now, michael dropped me off. I havent slept alone in months. Miss you. 1:34_

Luke doesn't sleep at all, his Mum is screaming at her boyfriend and glass is shattering, he's trying so hard not to cry but Ashton's not there and he's so god damned lonely. He hears a loud bang and he fucking knows what that fucking bastard has just done.

He creeps around the living room corner to see bottles of alcohol lying around the kitchen floor and a six pack on the table.

“Don't touch her,” Luke angrily mumbles and his eyebrows knit together. He helps his mum to her feet and protectively puts his arm over her. “Don't you dare fucking touch her.” Luke feels fucking awful, this has been happening for the past months he's been gone and he hasn't been home to protect her. His brother was at UNI, so she was all alone. All alone.

“What?” He slurs, wiping the corner of his mouth with his hand.

Luke tries to protect his mom, he really does. Before he knows it, he's being thrown to the ground from his step fathers rampage. It hurts so bad, it's been months since this has happened and he almost forgot the burning sensation rushing throughout his body.

When Luke whimpers, his mum finally gathers the courage to stop her husband from harming her son. She's had it, honestly.

“Stop hurting him!” She cries, protectively holding her boy close to her. He's sobbing loudly and groaning Ashton's name, because he fucking promised he'd keep him safe. Her boyfriend is bragging about how he's been in the military, 'nd how he could kill him if he wanted.

*

Everyday is a repetitve circle of Luke spending the day with Michael or Calum, texting Ashton (with no reply), and being abused by his step father. His mother claims she's leaving him soon, she's just picked up a second job and they're going to rent a motel and he'll be gone soon.

Luke's bruises are back, purples and blues and yellows are splattered across his body. He hasn't ate in a few days, and he doesn't want to go to Ashton's because he's alone either way. He doesn't feel right laying in Ashton's bed without Ashton holding him. The bags underneath his eyes look like twin bruises and he hasn't slept in three days, maybe.

He's physically and mentally drained, he just lays in bed all day and texts Ashton. They're pathetic, really. _Where are you? Please come back, I fucking miss you. Why aren't you answered me? I thought you said you'd never leave me, Ash. What happened to never? Never's never supposed to come, I thought we had forever. You made me feel like that._

_I'm getting bad again.. Ash.._

*

It's only been four days, but Luke looks visibly skinner. He's forced to eat something when Michael finally visits on the fifth day, he brings food and Luke is peckish. He nibbles on something small and Michael leaves without asking any questions. He's met a girl, he says. He loves her, he thinks.

It's the worst tonight. He thinks his mum's boyfriend has shattered a rib, but maybe he's just overreacting. Anything these days can set him off, and it's only been six days since Ashton left, but he's so fucking empty. His hands are stained with blood, but he's not sure if it's from himself or his mum's boyfriend. He can't tell anymore, honestly.

He'd gone almost seven months without hurting himself, but he fucking can't do this anymore. Apparently Ashton is coming home tomorrow, but he doesn't count on it. Ashton's probably found himself a hot girl and he's settled down with her already and they're planning for kids and a house. His overactive mind is getting the best of him tonight and he just can't fucking do this anymore.

His mum and her boyfriend have gone to dinner at a friends, and he's all alone. Nothing but his thoughts are accompanying him, and all of his never read messages to Ashton. He's fisting his unkept blonde curls, and the answering machine is playing all of the schools truant messages.

Luke Robert Hemmings has not shown up to school in two months. He will be dropped from the system this coming Monday if he does not show. Thank you Ms.Hemmings.

There's literally no fucking point anymore, he's got no school (it's not his first priority, his future is important because he doesn't want to end up like his biological father, which he's never met. School didn't cross his mind, but honestly he's got bigger things on his plate.)

 _Ashton?_ He types, his eyes are being blurred by his tears. _Ash? Pleasbe answert. Pleasae answer mer._ His hands are shaking, he can't see anything. His words are still readable, but hardly.

He leaves his phone on his dresser and creeps into his mother's room, and goes into the closet her and her boyfriend shared. Shoes are littered everywhere, along with clothes and ties. Luke stands on his tip toes to reach the top shelf and his fingertips brush against steel.

He closes the door and turns the light off like he's never been there, carrying the slab of metal in his hand carefully. He doesn't lock his bedroom door, but he creeps into his bathroom. He's taking the clean up into consideration, because even down to his death he doesn't want to inconvenience anyone.

He'd grabbed his phone off the dresser on the way to the bathroom, and now he's pacing around his two by three bathroom. His lockscreen has no notifications, because Ashton doesn't fucking care about you anymore. Idiot.

His fingers are shaking, but he dials up Ashton who's on speed dial, just in case of emergencies. And fuck, he's sure this is one. His heart is racing, because he doesn't want to do this, but without Ashton here and there's no school, and their band isn't going anymore, so what's the use?

“Ashton?” Luke croaks out, his sweaty palm making his phone nearly slip from his hands. “I love you too, you know that?” He's decided, he's made up his mind after nearly two years of contemplating it all. He doesn't want to be ignored by the person he loves the most, he doesn't want to have bruises and broken bones, and he doesn't want to be taken out of school. He just wished he cared enough to put the fucking revolver down, but he doesn't.

Luke keeps the phone in his hand, his tears and thoughts making it easy to forget that he'd forgotten to hang up. Maybe he was waiting for Ashton to answer, still, as he pressed the revolver to his head. His heart is racing, he leans against the door and looks into the mirror straight across from him, hating what he'd seen. And it's sad, the last time he'd hope to see himself was old, with Ashton. (That was cliche, but that was all on his mind at the moment.) Now, he looked tattered, broken. He was wearing Ashton's grey sweater that he hadn't taken off since he left, and his skin looked sickly pale.

The end for Luke was full of second guesses, his sweaty finger was craving the trigger. He thought of Ashton with somebody more beautiful than him, and he wasn't much competition. Luke was sick, and nobody would realize that until now.

He pulls the trigger and the impact of metal to bone to flesh makes his phone shatter on the tiled floor, and his knees buckled underneath him. It's an instant, almost painless death. All he can think in his head is I love you too, Ashton. I love you fucking too.

*

Ashton's relatively happy, and slightly worried when he lands back in Australia. His phone was dead, but he he can't fucking want to hold Luke and tell him he's ready for the next step in the relationship. A week without him got him thinking, he'd crumble if he lost him. His phone hadn't worked at all his entire stay in America, but he's almost positive Michael took good care of him.

He rushes home, hoping to see Luke curled up in his bed with that grey sweater that's two sizes too big for him on. He opens his door and throws his suitcase down, knowing Luke he'd be here, and he'd have counted down the minutes until Ashton got home.

I'll call him. Ashton thinks as he plugs his phone to charge, a smile evident on his face. Luke didn't live too far, he could walk there if he wanted. He's ready for a shower after such a long ride on a plane, so he's nearly clawing his clothes off. (He doesn't want to kiss Luke smelling like fast food and airplane.) His phone turning on and nearly fifty vibrations makes his heart drop in his chest.

Ashton hesitantly tip toes over to his phone, praying to fucking God Michael got laid or something. The last notification was a voice message, so he slides it and presses it to his ear.

“Ashton?” He hears Luke's voice, but it's never, ever been so fucking broken. “I love you too, you know that?” His voice is being covered by a waterfall of tears, and he's slightly stuttering. Ashton remembers how he'd never said it back, but why? Why now? This message is from a little over seven hours ago.

Ashton hears Luke's soft breaths, like he's almost afraid for them to come out. Ashton is running out his front door, with his shirt halfway off, and his phone in his hand. He hears a loud bang echo off of the bathroom walls, and he thinks he's sick. He starts crying, the most he's cried since 5 seconds of summer had gotten one thousand views on a video. These tears were different, these were full of sadness and regret.

An ambulance is loudly roaring outside of Luke's place, which seems so foreign. They've just gotten here, though. He pushes past his crying mother without a word and hopes and fucking prays Luke's in there, he's okay.

The bathroom door is locked, but he can see the blood that leaked underneath the bathroom door and onto the carpet. It drips onto his feet and he doesn't have the fucking strength to burst the door down, so he finds the key right where Luke had always hidden it. Second drawer on the right, and he pushes the door open.

“Oh my fucking god,” Ashton falls to his knees, his whole body protectively cradling Luke. His face was soft, and he didn't look broken. “I'm too late..” Ashton croaks out and bites his lip, his hands being blood stained. The constant cycle of Luke wanting to kill himself was finally over, and maybe Ashton should have cared more. He promised Luke he'd be there for him, but here Luke was, with no pulse and lifeless.

“I'm so sorry, I promised I'd be there, but I wasn't. But you promised you'd never fucking do this..” He's defeated, he doesn't know what to do. He holds him until the paramedics drag him off of him and take him away.

“I love you so much,” Ashton holds onto the gurney until he's put into the ambulance and he's carried away. Ashton's not too sure what they can do about a gunshot to the head.

 

*  
Michael and Calum weren't too sure they'd ever see the day that Ashton Irwin wore a frown, but it was defiantly the day that Luke Hemmings was pronounced dead on arrival.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, don't forget to comment and check out my other stuff. love you ! xx


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